Start Seeing Diversity Blog: "We Don't Say Those Words in Class!"

When working with young children, there are many times when they make comments that make us giggle.  I always say that small children have “no filter.”  They don’t know that sometimes the things that they may say can affect those around them in a negative way.  When children say things that can be perceived as being “rude” or “mean,” I think it’s important that we address the subject and speak to them about how someone’s feelings can be affected by their words; especially when a child makes a comment in a negative manner about how someone is different.  “Always respond—If you do not know what to say, explain that you want to answer but must first think about what to say.  Get back to the child with your response by the next day” (Derman-Sparks & Edwards, p. 33, 2010). 

When I was teaching three and four year olds, I was fifty pounds heavier than I am today.  I’m sure to the small children, I looked huge!  One day, one of the children told me that I couldn’t play in their fort because I was “fat.”  My coworker immediately snapped at her and told her to apologize and the little girl started to cry.  I felt awful.  I pulled her aside and spoke with her one on one.  I told her that she was probably right that I couldn’t fit in her fort, (which made her giggle), but calling someone else “fat” isn’t very kind; and we always want to be kind to our friends and teachers.  She asked me, “But what if it’s true?”  This was a puzzling question. We always want to teach our children and students to be honest, but we also do not want them to voice their opinions if it’s going to hurt someone else.  I told her that it is okay to think that I’m fat, but it’s an inside thought, or a thought she can share with her family, or her teachers and ask questions.  I said, “Sometimes, when we say our inside thoughts, we hurt other people’s feelings, like you hurt my feelings today.” 

Later that day, when we were in circle time, my co-teacher and I acted out a scenario where I picked on her for being short.  She acted as though her feelings were hurt, and we repeated a very similar conversation with the whole group.  We then spoke about how it’s important that we like ourselves and each other no matter what anyone else may say or think about us.  After a great conversation, where we all listed things we liked about ourselves, we read the book I Like Myself by Karen Beaumont.  This story is about a little girl who would love herself no matter what she looked like, or how she acted.  The children loved it. 

Through this conversation, and follow up with the full group, I believe a positive message and morale was conveyed to this little girl.  She was taught that sometimes our words hurt others, even though we are simply stating the truth.  In addition, the follow up with the full group made the child feel less singled out, as we started out the circle time with a question.  We asked the children to raise their hand if they have ever made someone sad using their words; even with brothers and sisters; and all of the children raised their hands.  Showing this young child that she is not alone in making mistakes in communication was important to me. 

I feel that this situation was handled in a way that an anti-bias educator would respond.  I would only change my co-teacher’s initial reaction to snap at her about the comment.  I always feel that conversations are much better in such situations.  I do not feel that young children are capable of malice and therefore, should not be reprimanded as though they were intentionally hurting another person with their words.  The situation was addressed well afterwards, and there was a follow up with the whole group.  “More than mere curiosity, sometimes children’s questions, comments, or behaviors indicate an underlying stereotyped idea, discomfort, or rejection about human differences.  Even if young children are making fun of a specific identity by repeating words or ideas they have heard from others without knowing what they fully mean, such language exploration still is pre-prejudice because it has the potential to turn into real prejudice” (Derman-Sparks & Edwards, p. 33, 2010). 

After this entire day, the little girl was packing up to go home.  I went over to say goodbye to her, and she motioned for me to come close so she could whisper in my ear.  She said, "You're still really pretty."  Totally made me smile!

Reference

Derman-Sparks, L., & Olsen Edwards, J. (2010). Anti-Bias Education for Young Children and Ourselves. Washington D.C. : NAEYC Books.